A little harsh, maybe
Poor Tom. He just came to me and said, very sincerely, "Is something wrong lately?" And I said "You mean other than the fact that I've been severely depressed for the past 6 weeks and have dreams of my dead friends every night?" He just nodded and walked away. Ooops. A little harsh, maybe.
Feeling funny. Just talked to my friend Heather (hi, Heather, you may be reading this!) and we talked about old times and some new stuff and Jason. It's just so hard. He was such a good guy. What makes it so difficult, as I've mentioned before, is the fact that it was suicide. I could have handled a car crash or cancer or murder better. That's not just speculation, either. I've lost friends to each of these and it wasn't as hard as this fucking thing is.
I realized this past week that when August comes around my Leo brother won't be celebrating it with me. I don't know what to do, either...I feel like I can't let our birthday go past without doing something. Do I send his family a card? Is that gauche? I can't tell anymore. I'll definitely visit his site, out by the little lawnmower shed with the coke machine under the tree. But that'll probably be the last time. I'm not into dwelling on this kind of stuff, really. But *this* death is so fucking hard... Next year when our 10-yr high school reunion is held, I'll have to attend it without him. When people who didn't know us that well ask me where he is, am I going to be able to say over and over again that he's gone without it turning the whole event boo-hooey for me?
God, I keep thinking of his little sister, who's learning disabled, and how she'd signed into the funeral guest book over and over, probably for each time she'd entered and left the parlor. But I'm not angry at him anymore, god I just miss him. I wish you could come back for just one day, Jace, and tell everyone goodbye.
Poor Tom. He just came to me and said, very sincerely, "Is something wrong lately?" And I said "You mean other than the fact that I've been severely depressed for the past 6 weeks and have dreams of my dead friends every night?" He just nodded and walked away. Ooops. A little harsh, maybe.
Feeling funny. Just talked to my friend Heather (hi, Heather, you may be reading this!) and we talked about old times and some new stuff and Jason. It's just so hard. He was such a good guy. What makes it so difficult, as I've mentioned before, is the fact that it was suicide. I could have handled a car crash or cancer or murder better. That's not just speculation, either. I've lost friends to each of these and it wasn't as hard as this fucking thing is.
I realized this past week that when August comes around my Leo brother won't be celebrating it with me. I don't know what to do, either...I feel like I can't let our birthday go past without doing something. Do I send his family a card? Is that gauche? I can't tell anymore. I'll definitely visit his site, out by the little lawnmower shed with the coke machine under the tree. But that'll probably be the last time. I'm not into dwelling on this kind of stuff, really. But *this* death is so fucking hard... Next year when our 10-yr high school reunion is held, I'll have to attend it without him. When people who didn't know us that well ask me where he is, am I going to be able to say over and over again that he's gone without it turning the whole event boo-hooey for me?
God, I keep thinking of his little sister, who's learning disabled, and how she'd signed into the funeral guest book over and over, probably for each time she'd entered and left the parlor. But I'm not angry at him anymore, god I just miss him. I wish you could come back for just one day, Jace, and tell everyone goodbye.
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