I blame my pre-natal vitamins for my miscarriage, and here's why.
I hope that gets googled. I hope other women who are reacting badly to prenatals find this, because I didn't find much information when I was searching a few weeks ago.
Ignore your doctor’s happy prattle about how safe your pregnancy is. Listen to women on message boards: miscarriages do happen during your first 12 weeks of pregnancy. And I blame my pregnancy loss on some sort of reaction I had to my pre-natal vitamins.
Tom and I had been trying to get pregnant since Christmastime, and I’d been to the doctor then. He’d told me to go get over-the-counter multivitamins with certain ingredients and start taking them. I never had a moment’s trouble with these weaker vitamins.
After I found out I was pregnant, my doctor’s office put me on a rotation schedule with several other doctors on the staff, which apparently is pretty standard practice. That way, if your main doctor is not available when you need to give birth, a different doctor that you know can take over.
My first rotation doctor was a nice young woman, but she insisted on my taking prescription pre-natals. She couldn’t explain to me why they were preferred; all she said, twice, was “these are better.” I tried to tell her that my primary doctor told me the regular ones were fine, but she managed to imply that my doctor was old-fashioned and that I of course wanted to take the fancy vitamins. I wanted to do what was best for my baby, so I took them.
That day I got to experience about two minutes of that rush of emotion and love that so many people describe when they are expecting a baby. Out in the car, I looked at the ultrasound pictures of my baby and cried. It didn’t look like anything—just a circle inside of a dark banana shape, but I knew the banana was my uterus and the circle my baby-blob that would eventually (with luck) turn into something really cool. I’d seen that baby-blob pulsate on the screen. I’d been in that position before—sitting in the car, crying, looking at a baby-blob—but this time, I was ready for it. Bring it on! I wanted to experience this now.
But then, I had to rush through traffic back to work, where I had to put the blob out of my mind. Around 5, Tom and I had supper and I took my first pre-natal vitamin.
By that evening, I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. All we could figure out was that seeing the baby-blob had made it all “real” for me, and my mind triggered “morning sickness” in my body. That could be, I thought—the blob had only turned real when I saw it. Up until then it had been very abstract and non-real. But I was so ill that evening that I didn’t have the energy to fantasize about the baby or feel any joy about it. All I felt was sick.
That two minutes of love rush that I felt in the car that day was the only bit that I felt during the whole three weeks between seeing Baby Blob on the screen and losing Baby Blob. Even after I realized the pre-natal vitamins were to blame for my illness, I didn’t get better. I just couldn’t seem to bounce back from them—physically or mentally. I know lots of women get sick during their first trimester, but I can’t describe how ill I was. And I didn’t even try to describe it on my blog during that period of time. I tried to be lighthearted on my blog.
But I’ll tell you now. The pills didn’t only make me physically sick, but they (or the physical illness they caused) triggered other terrible things too.
Tom and I were planning on approaching my boss next week and having me quit work. No, not for next semester; NOW. I was too ill to teach class. And too exhausted and discombobulated. In too much pain. Real PAIN. Quitting work during the middle of the semester—yeah, that’d been great for my future career, and I’m not so sure it wouldn’t have affected Tom’s rehire for next semester, too. They have to lay off 4 professors for next year—I think we’d have basically been volunteering for that list. But that’s how ill I was.
I’d begun cutting, which I hadn’t done since the 6th grade--and even then I only did it for about two months before I came to my senses. I can say this now, because things have righted themselves in my brain since losing the baby—but 7 days ago? If you've even known a cutter or been a cutter, you know how well I was doing. And it's really freaky to have that urge come back after 16 years of not feeling it. Oh, and the trichtillomania—the deep, bloody sores all over my head didn’t bode well for me either. It’s a funny feeling, digging your nails down into your scalp until there’s blood under your nails—and THEN you can relax enough to get some sleep. My mom has trichtillomanic tendencies—but knowing where I got the frigged-up impulse doesn’t make it better. Where are my eyelashes?
And I kept thinking, This is not how it’s supposed to be. I’m not supposed to HATE being pregnant. Dislike the physical sensations? Well, probably that’s normal. But be so ill and in so much physical pain that a near-complete mental breakdown is triggered? That can’t be right. And I felt cheated. I wanted to feel at least compassion for the baby I was trying to build, not resentment for it making me so sick.
Now that my body is going back to normal, I know it wasn’t the poor little blob’s fault. I know—don’t know how, but I know—that something went wrong for little blob when I started taking those pre-natal vitamins. Perhaps the reason I was going so crazy was that Baby Blob was poisoned and dying. That’s what I believe. Because within hours of its death, I began to heal. My body began to return to normal and my mind, too. It’s weird—I’m looking back at how I felt even just last week, and it’s like looking back at an acid trip or some kind of drug bender where you just can’t believe how out of your mind you were.
I’m pretty much back to regular old me now, except for the sadness. I am sad. An opportunity at a different life with a new friend in it was lost. I know it wasn’t the right path for me and Tom, apparently, or it would have worked out. I wouldn’t have been on that girl’s rotation that day and I wouldn’t have taken the pre-natal vitamins. I do blame the vitamins, but I guess it was my fate to take them this time.
Next time, next time, next time, things will be different.
I hope that gets googled. I hope other women who are reacting badly to prenatals find this, because I didn't find much information when I was searching a few weeks ago.
Ignore your doctor’s happy prattle about how safe your pregnancy is. Listen to women on message boards: miscarriages do happen during your first 12 weeks of pregnancy. And I blame my pregnancy loss on some sort of reaction I had to my pre-natal vitamins.
Tom and I had been trying to get pregnant since Christmastime, and I’d been to the doctor then. He’d told me to go get over-the-counter multivitamins with certain ingredients and start taking them. I never had a moment’s trouble with these weaker vitamins.
After I found out I was pregnant, my doctor’s office put me on a rotation schedule with several other doctors on the staff, which apparently is pretty standard practice. That way, if your main doctor is not available when you need to give birth, a different doctor that you know can take over.
My first rotation doctor was a nice young woman, but she insisted on my taking prescription pre-natals. She couldn’t explain to me why they were preferred; all she said, twice, was “these are better.” I tried to tell her that my primary doctor told me the regular ones were fine, but she managed to imply that my doctor was old-fashioned and that I of course wanted to take the fancy vitamins. I wanted to do what was best for my baby, so I took them.
That day I got to experience about two minutes of that rush of emotion and love that so many people describe when they are expecting a baby. Out in the car, I looked at the ultrasound pictures of my baby and cried. It didn’t look like anything—just a circle inside of a dark banana shape, but I knew the banana was my uterus and the circle my baby-blob that would eventually (with luck) turn into something really cool. I’d seen that baby-blob pulsate on the screen. I’d been in that position before—sitting in the car, crying, looking at a baby-blob—but this time, I was ready for it. Bring it on! I wanted to experience this now.
But then, I had to rush through traffic back to work, where I had to put the blob out of my mind. Around 5, Tom and I had supper and I took my first pre-natal vitamin.
By that evening, I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. All we could figure out was that seeing the baby-blob had made it all “real” for me, and my mind triggered “morning sickness” in my body. That could be, I thought—the blob had only turned real when I saw it. Up until then it had been very abstract and non-real. But I was so ill that evening that I didn’t have the energy to fantasize about the baby or feel any joy about it. All I felt was sick.
That two minutes of love rush that I felt in the car that day was the only bit that I felt during the whole three weeks between seeing Baby Blob on the screen and losing Baby Blob. Even after I realized the pre-natal vitamins were to blame for my illness, I didn’t get better. I just couldn’t seem to bounce back from them—physically or mentally. I know lots of women get sick during their first trimester, but I can’t describe how ill I was. And I didn’t even try to describe it on my blog during that period of time. I tried to be lighthearted on my blog.
But I’ll tell you now. The pills didn’t only make me physically sick, but they (or the physical illness they caused) triggered other terrible things too.
Tom and I were planning on approaching my boss next week and having me quit work. No, not for next semester; NOW. I was too ill to teach class. And too exhausted and discombobulated. In too much pain. Real PAIN. Quitting work during the middle of the semester—yeah, that’d been great for my future career, and I’m not so sure it wouldn’t have affected Tom’s rehire for next semester, too. They have to lay off 4 professors for next year—I think we’d have basically been volunteering for that list. But that’s how ill I was.
I’d begun cutting, which I hadn’t done since the 6th grade--and even then I only did it for about two months before I came to my senses. I can say this now, because things have righted themselves in my brain since losing the baby—but 7 days ago? If you've even known a cutter or been a cutter, you know how well I was doing. And it's really freaky to have that urge come back after 16 years of not feeling it. Oh, and the trichtillomania—the deep, bloody sores all over my head didn’t bode well for me either. It’s a funny feeling, digging your nails down into your scalp until there’s blood under your nails—and THEN you can relax enough to get some sleep. My mom has trichtillomanic tendencies—but knowing where I got the frigged-up impulse doesn’t make it better. Where are my eyelashes?
And I kept thinking, This is not how it’s supposed to be. I’m not supposed to HATE being pregnant. Dislike the physical sensations? Well, probably that’s normal. But be so ill and in so much physical pain that a near-complete mental breakdown is triggered? That can’t be right. And I felt cheated. I wanted to feel at least compassion for the baby I was trying to build, not resentment for it making me so sick.
Now that my body is going back to normal, I know it wasn’t the poor little blob’s fault. I know—don’t know how, but I know—that something went wrong for little blob when I started taking those pre-natal vitamins. Perhaps the reason I was going so crazy was that Baby Blob was poisoned and dying. That’s what I believe. Because within hours of its death, I began to heal. My body began to return to normal and my mind, too. It’s weird—I’m looking back at how I felt even just last week, and it’s like looking back at an acid trip or some kind of drug bender where you just can’t believe how out of your mind you were.
I’m pretty much back to regular old me now, except for the sadness. I am sad. An opportunity at a different life with a new friend in it was lost. I know it wasn’t the right path for me and Tom, apparently, or it would have worked out. I wouldn’t have been on that girl’s rotation that day and I wouldn’t have taken the pre-natal vitamins. I do blame the vitamins, but I guess it was my fate to take them this time.
Next time, next time, next time, things will be different.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home