Valentine's Day

Well, I'm back. I see by the date that it's only been a week or so since I posted, but by god, to me it feels like it's been five years.

I've been incredibly sick and I'm not preggers anymore. And I'm not sad about it, either. Yes, I'd been doing fertility and all that jazz, but let me tell you...this pregnancy, short as it was, was absolutely freaking tormentuous. Very similar to the one I first blogged about two years ago. I don't know if "tormentuous" is a word or not, but it's the only one I can find that expresses how I felt. I literally wanted to die. I was in so much agony. It's hard to explain, but the cysts that grew all over my ovaries as a result of two cycles of Clomid definitely had something to do with it. That little banner over there that said "Clomid Crazy" is right. You've got to be out of your mind. It makes you cranky and grows you cysts.

And there was the paxil. ARGH. Getting off that sucked. Finally my obgyn gave me a little bit of prozac (10mg) to take to make my body feel better. My BODY actually felt bad from paxil withdrawal, even after the really gnarly withdrawal effects had worn off. For every one complaint the FDA recieves about prozac withdrawal, it recieves 150 about paxil withdrawal. Can you believe that? So why in the world to they ever prescribe paxil? Well, it takes a few days for prozac to start making you feel better. It takes a few HOURS (seriously) for paxil to start making you feel better. So it's got that over prozac. But good gravy, the withdrawal was horrendous. Anyway. Shelley called it the medi-go-round. She's right. I hope to get off of this ride completely in another three weeks or so, but I'd rather take 10mg of prozac than 40 of paxil, now that I've done my homework on the two. What a bunch of smart academics Tom and I are. We didn't do any research of our own, really. Just trusted doctors. Doctors!!

So, as I said, the pregnancy is over and I am not sad about it AT ALL. Yes, I want a child really badly, but Tom and I are on the same page now, which is to say that he now recognizes that the sentence "Tom, I want a child" is very very different from "Tom, I want to be pregnant and have a baby."

Tom is not a bad guy. He's the best guy in the world for me. And he's very good at analysing literature, and in front of a class full of kids would be able to distinguish all the fine subtleties and obvious differences between those two statements, were they made by some character who existed only on paper. But...understanding the differences in what I meant were hard for him in real life. And please, let's not think that I didn't follow up; the statement ALWAYS went something like this: "Tom, I want a child. Really...for a long time I've thought adoption would be wonderful. I don't feel that I need the physical experience of being pregnant in my life. I don't think I'd like it" etc, etc. But for poor, sweet, deeply-Catholic-although-in-denial-about-it Tom, that all translated into "Tom, I want to be pregnant and have a baby."

Well, thank God he understands now. Because it was important to him, I gave it a try. Several times. But no more. NO MORE. And he understands. I was so effing sick, people, I can't even explain it. And there's this new show on MTV called There and Back; it's boring as hell except for one episode, which I watched like, ten times during the last two weeks. The episode where the dude's enormously pregnant wife (named Tiffany!) drives herself to the hospital to have the baby. She lets the dude ride in the passenger seat because he's stressed out. Seriously. Limon, watch that episode while you're on the treadmill. Well, THIS Tiffany is never going to be an enormously pregnant woman. And I feel very happy about that. Now, when we talk about adoption, we'll actually talk about adoption instead of me talking and little pictures of me frolicking in maternity-wear bounce through his head. That will be great.

I also want to add that Ripple is very sick, although it's possible she can recover. It will be a very hard and iffy recovery for her. Please keep her in your thoughts. I do not want to lose more than one doggywog within weeks of each other!