Colon Cleansing, Constipation, Parasites, IBS

DISCLAIMER: I know that many of you will dismiss the concerns I am about to disclose as hysteria. I know that. So there is no need to tell me so in the comments. It'll only upset me. If you think I am hysterical, just laugh to yourself, privately.

I believe I may have internal parasites. I think you guys all have them, too. Think about it: we worm our pets, and give them pills (heartworm pills also prevent roundworm, pinworm, etc) but we never worm ourselves. What makes us think we're such special animals that we're immune to worms? Why? Cause we don't eat our own poo? I think we ingest more poo than any of us want to admit. 20/20, Oprah, 60 Minutes, and Dateline have long since convinced me of that. And many parasites invade through the skin, so if you ever go barefoot in the yard, you are vulnerable to them.

That said, I need to make clear that I am okay with that. I am okay with having SOME worms. I just don't want to be laden with them. I want the excess worms out. There is a colonic shop here in Carrollton, but I'm just not sure I want my first colonic to be from here...I think I'd want my first one from a fancy spa in Atlanta, not a shop in a small town. My BF Sara is going for her first colonic this weekend at some fancy spa in NYC; I'll have her tell me all the details when it's over. And then, of course, I will report them here.

As you may or may not know, colonics also dislodge old fecal matter. And some of this stuff is ooooold. It is theorized by holistic practitioners that environmental pollutants and food preservatives in combination with the excessively sugary diet of modern man is too much for the colon, and bits of this...stuff...gets lodged in the indentations of the colon, accumulating over time. That's no good. I'd like that stuff out of me, too. I'm okay with some stuff being lodged in me, just not lots of stuff being lodged in me.

Anyway, Sara is trying the colonic route (attacking the problem from the exit), and I am trying what Tom and I are referring to as the "Colon Blow" route (attacking the problem from the entrance). Do you remember that SNL sketch for Colon Blow? Well, I have ordered a treatment plan from here to dislodge any worms and old fecal matter from inside of my colon.

I intend to keep my blog updated about these important experiments. Time will tell whether I am hysterical or not. If I poop out any worms, I fully intend to get a pair of barbecue tongs, fish them out of the toilet, rinse them off, put them in a ziploc, photograph them, and post the photos here, on my blog. If I poop out any weird tar substances, you'll just have to take my word for it. I won't be photographing that.

If you'd like to read testimonials from people who have gone through the program I am going to do, click here. Wish me luck! If nothing else, this should result in a series of pretty funny blog entries.