More about Graduation (pt. 2)
I am so utterly depressed over this graduation thing. It was a "mistake" that shouldn't have happened and could have been very easily prevented, with things like phone calls and a little forethought. For two nights now I've had nightmares about it, and yeah, I'm prone to nightmares but this sucks.
For some people this wouldn't have mattered. Tradition, stuff like getting hooded at graduation seems stupid. It didn't seem stupid to me. For a while I thought I wouldn't do it; I thought, Do I want to put myself through another episode with this school where something can go wrong? I'm not sure I want to shake Schmidly's hand, or anyone else's, for that matter. But in the end, I decided that I wanted to go out "right." End things here on a good note.
And what did I get instead? I got to stand in a big waiting room in my regalia, watching the door for 45 minutes, hoping one of my professors would show up. And neither of them did. Then I got to cry in front of Tom's advisor, who I barely knew, which made me think of all the times that W has made me cry in his classes. Only fitting, I guess, that I'd get to cry here, at the last minute.
So Lisa said she'd hood me and I think she felt really bad for me. She had been concerned about the storms an hour or so before the ceremony and had called our house to tell Tom that she was nervous about them, and that if it was scary outside she might not come. She called to *apologize* just *in case* she couldn't be there. Anyway, she was there and she said she'd hood me. I sat next to her during all the speeches, etc. When Schmidly said something about What an honor it is to be here while all these students get hooded by the professors with whom they have developed such close relationships over the past few years, relationships that will last a lifetime, then I got to cry some more. Because for all I knew, it was as simple as Nobody Showed Up for the Most Important Day of my life so far.
Schmidly followed that up with a story about a rabbit murdering some foxes (I'll spare the details) and the moral was, "It doesn't matter what you write in your dissertation, it matters how influential your advisor is." Immediately after that, they hooded the 6 PhDs recognized for outstanding dissertations! I kid you not. What a disrespectful load of bull. What absolute crap.
After the ceremony, my mom said, Who was that, who hooded you? And then I cried some more.
An hour or so later, I called my friend Lacy to say I wasn't coming to her end-of-the-year party. I felt too rotten, and told her why. She said one of my professors was there right then, in attendance at her party. The other one had intended to come to the ceremony and hood me, but had possibly been concerned about his wife, who recently had surgery. Sweet little Lacy. She said, "I'm sure that's it. That must be it." I said, "If I had had an email or phone message waiting for me when I got back, then I wouldn't be so hurt; I wouldn't feel so forgotten or stood up." About two hours later, around midnight, I got an email from that professor, saying precisely that, that he had been concerned about his wife and hadn't come. I would put money on it that Lacy had something to do with it. But for me, really, it felt like too little too late. That email should have been there for me when I got back.
Nobody can predict weather. If Dr. W felt he couldn't leave his wife alone when storms may be developing, then fine. But Drs. W and T, with all those years of thinking between them, could have easily realized ahead of time that the possibility of something coming up that would keep W at home that evening, with a recovering wife, were substantial. Dr. T should have been the one planning to come, because of that. And all that aside, why no phone message or email waiting for me from Dr. W? It's been a long time since professors graduated...but they should remember how special that is supposed to be. But, like I said, I had not gotten a solid "I'll be there" from either of them. I should have known.
Do I think Drs. W and T will feel bad about this incident? Sure. Do I think they'll feel anywhere near as bad as I do? No way. I'm so tired and weepy, and I just want to leave here and never look back. This final incident of hazing was too much for me, unintentional or not, result of poor planning or not.
I am so utterly depressed over this graduation thing. It was a "mistake" that shouldn't have happened and could have been very easily prevented, with things like phone calls and a little forethought. For two nights now I've had nightmares about it, and yeah, I'm prone to nightmares but this sucks.
For some people this wouldn't have mattered. Tradition, stuff like getting hooded at graduation seems stupid. It didn't seem stupid to me. For a while I thought I wouldn't do it; I thought, Do I want to put myself through another episode with this school where something can go wrong? I'm not sure I want to shake Schmidly's hand, or anyone else's, for that matter. But in the end, I decided that I wanted to go out "right." End things here on a good note.
And what did I get instead? I got to stand in a big waiting room in my regalia, watching the door for 45 minutes, hoping one of my professors would show up. And neither of them did. Then I got to cry in front of Tom's advisor, who I barely knew, which made me think of all the times that W has made me cry in his classes. Only fitting, I guess, that I'd get to cry here, at the last minute.
So Lisa said she'd hood me and I think she felt really bad for me. She had been concerned about the storms an hour or so before the ceremony and had called our house to tell Tom that she was nervous about them, and that if it was scary outside she might not come. She called to *apologize* just *in case* she couldn't be there. Anyway, she was there and she said she'd hood me. I sat next to her during all the speeches, etc. When Schmidly said something about What an honor it is to be here while all these students get hooded by the professors with whom they have developed such close relationships over the past few years, relationships that will last a lifetime, then I got to cry some more. Because for all I knew, it was as simple as Nobody Showed Up for the Most Important Day of my life so far.
Schmidly followed that up with a story about a rabbit murdering some foxes (I'll spare the details) and the moral was, "It doesn't matter what you write in your dissertation, it matters how influential your advisor is." Immediately after that, they hooded the 6 PhDs recognized for outstanding dissertations! I kid you not. What a disrespectful load of bull. What absolute crap.
After the ceremony, my mom said, Who was that, who hooded you? And then I cried some more.
An hour or so later, I called my friend Lacy to say I wasn't coming to her end-of-the-year party. I felt too rotten, and told her why. She said one of my professors was there right then, in attendance at her party. The other one had intended to come to the ceremony and hood me, but had possibly been concerned about his wife, who recently had surgery. Sweet little Lacy. She said, "I'm sure that's it. That must be it." I said, "If I had had an email or phone message waiting for me when I got back, then I wouldn't be so hurt; I wouldn't feel so forgotten or stood up." About two hours later, around midnight, I got an email from that professor, saying precisely that, that he had been concerned about his wife and hadn't come. I would put money on it that Lacy had something to do with it. But for me, really, it felt like too little too late. That email should have been there for me when I got back.
Nobody can predict weather. If Dr. W felt he couldn't leave his wife alone when storms may be developing, then fine. But Drs. W and T, with all those years of thinking between them, could have easily realized ahead of time that the possibility of something coming up that would keep W at home that evening, with a recovering wife, were substantial. Dr. T should have been the one planning to come, because of that. And all that aside, why no phone message or email waiting for me from Dr. W? It's been a long time since professors graduated...but they should remember how special that is supposed to be. But, like I said, I had not gotten a solid "I'll be there" from either of them. I should have known.
Do I think Drs. W and T will feel bad about this incident? Sure. Do I think they'll feel anywhere near as bad as I do? No way. I'm so tired and weepy, and I just want to leave here and never look back. This final incident of hazing was too much for me, unintentional or not, result of poor planning or not.
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